Life, Love And Marriage Counseling! A Story Of Divorce

So here you are, divorced. I bet you never, ever thought you would end up in this place. Sure you saw others go through it, but not you, right? What you need to understand now, is that you cant go back, you cant relive the past and you cant do it differently. In fact, where your divorce is concerned, you should erase the words would have, should have, could have and anything like them.



I dont mean to sound harsh or insensitive, but the divorce is your past and the sooner you realize that, the better. Write down what you learned from that relationship and learn from it. A failure is not a failure if you learn valuable lessons from it and grow from the experience. The divorce does not define who you are. You will recover and you will live through it, although it may not feel that way now. Picture where you want to be in the future and go after it starting today No one can stop you except for you.

Im not going to tell you all of my past relationship woes, divorce tales and horror stories because it really wont help you recover at all. Itll just add to your bitterness and resentment. Just know that I have been exactly where you are, maybe better off, maybe worse off; but Ive been there and it sucks. Im here to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its not so bright for you right now. I am standing at the other side and I promise you that its better than you can imagine at this moment.

Whether you believe in God, destiny, fate or whatever; you need to know that you are meant for better times than you are having right now. Im going to give you some tips that really helped me during my, not one, but two divorces and other vastly shitty relationship woes.

Here goes:

1. Focus on Others:

Life is fragile and I know countless people who wouldve Done it differently had they only known. Appreciate friends and family more right now than you ever have before. Concentrating on other people, instead of yourself when you feel down is the very best way that Ive found to lift my spirits. I once volunteered at a womens shelter at an extreme low point in my life and I learned that, not only was my situation freaking amazing compared to theirs, but also I could make a difference in the lives of people. I also improved my situation by networking within the organization as an added bonus.

2. YOU time:

You are not the sole reason for the divorce. We are like kids. We internalize failed (or learned from) relationships and blame ourselves for everything. We re-hash every moment and think I shouldve, I couldve, I wish. Well, stop. Its over. Pick your head up, take note of what you want in your life from this point on and act on it. It takes two people for a failed relationship. Yes you may have screwed up, or maybe you didnt, its all over now and its time to take notes, learn lessons and go forward. Now its time for you to focus on you. If you have kids, focus on them too, but really take care of yourself so that you can also take care of them. Im talking massages, girls nights, special family time and hot baths with candles and music. In relationships, we sometimes lose who we are at a soulful level. Find that woman again and love her. She is incredible.

3. Take a vacation:

Get away from your familiar surroundings, even if its only one weekend. Distance always provided me with such clarity. Either alone or with your kids, go somewhere fun and just let go of your worries for awhile. If you cant afford a vacation, go to a park and get lost in nature for a few hours. Have a picnic, hike, take pictures, just do something that you love for as long as you can.

4. Create new traditions:

Create new traditions, routines and habits all your own. I think the hardest times are holidays because family traditions are nice little reminders of what will no longer be, but remember, we are moving forward now! Make new traditions well before the holidays so you dont have to mope when its time to get the Christmas tree and you always went as a family and now there is one missing. If you have kids, get them involved in creating new traditions. Ask them for new ideas. What would be a fun way to get our Christmas tree this year? You may find some great ideas!

5. Find a hobby that you love:

Some of my best creations came from times of pure emotional hell. Keep your mind busy with constructive things, it works like a charm. I think the loneliest times are when you are, in fact, alone and you have nothing to do so your mind wanders back to the past. Start scrap booking (using current pictures, of course), put together puzzles, paint, read, play an instrument, garden, collect stamps- whatever you can sink some time into. It is a great thing to stay busy doing things that make you happy.

6. Always have something to look forward to:

Maybe its your vacation. Maybe its saving for a new (insert item here). Take a class, create a standing appointment every week with friends, flirt on online date sites, visit family, go places, join Netflix, get a pen pal, look for long lost friends you see where Im going here. If you have something to look forward to daily, weekly, monthly and yearly, your life will move from anticipated moment to anticipated moment and it will be easier to get through.

7. Keep a journal or a blog:

Finally, and possibly most importantly, keep a journal or a blog. This always helped me see the progress I had made. The easiest way to get to the future is to see who you were in the past and realize how far youve come. I look back to some of my darkest days now and can physically see the enormous changes that I have made. You will learn so much about yourself just writing about your day and it can be great therapy.

Be good to yourself and before you know it you will be over this rough spot. Always remember, this too, shall pass.
From: Amy R. 9/26/2010

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